News Blog

It turns out that there was.

Less than a week ago I was approached by some people in our National Offices (Justice Ministries) who were looking for someone to participate in an event on behalf of the Presbyterian Church: a dialogue between Christian Protestants and Shi'a Muslims to take place at Waterloo Lutheran Seminary. This three day event would see us engaging in a lively conversation on key issues concerning Muslims and Christians in the modern world.

I hadn't immediately responded to this request, wanting to give it some thought and prayer. To participate in this event will require me to prepare a paper on a specific topic and be ready to engage in the general discussions. And, well, Easter is coming; it can be a somewhat busy time!

After the events of this past weekend, though, I became convinced that my participation in this event is necessary -- even that God is calling me to do it. If recent events have taught us anything, it is that we need to do better at understanding and communicating with our Muslim neighbours. The peace and future of our world may well depend upon it. To exclude or act out in hate against a group of people simply because their faith is different from our own, is never going to make the world a better place. I want to help, not hurt.

So I have agreed to participate in a Shi'a Muslim - Christian Protestant Dialogue at Waterloo Lutheran Seminary on April 24-26, 2017. I will be preparing and presenting on the topic, "If God is merciful and rejects extremism, how do the faithful respond?" I will be speaking from my own Christian perspective. A Shi'a speaker will also present from his or her perspective. (I do not yet know who the other speaker is.) The papers written will also be submitted to be published both in English and in Farsi. Most importantly, we will all talk together. I pray we all leave the event with a better appreciation of one another.

That is what I am doing in response. Please pray for me as I pray for you and what you are doing to respond.

Re-engaging (revitalization) - renewed insight, interest and involvement.

•   Gathering and communication of information is an important component – debated use              of questionnaire

•  Deacon/Elders need to poll their districts to understand why families are leaving

•  Deacons/Elders to receive a scripted narrative to ask families in district

•  Meeting w/families is the top priority but phone calls are useful for those who do not                want to meet

•  Ask the tough question why do you not come to worship anymore?

•   Is it issues of transportation?

•  Define what an engaging worship service is?

•   The idea that passive worship may miss the idea that people want to be involved - that            other people talking is just as important as the Minister.

•            Session initiative – “Elders have agreed to visit as many families as possible between now and March 31st in their Districts.”  Agreed to by consent.  See scripted dialogue sheet in other sections. This is a critical communication of the changes envisioned here today.

·   Critical we have a follow-up meeting to ensure we move forward with the entire plan. Suggestion that the further meetings occur on a week-night to make attending easier? Not for all though.

•  Scripted narrative & receival of updated Elder/Deacon teams need to be in place a.s.a.p.

 dialogue is important

•   Must establish trust and open communication channels to all

• Session needs to gather trends and reasons for reasons families are leaving w/out names to ensure privacy

Outreach   - is defined as reaching out to others, or becoming involved in a community or effort. When an organization reaches out to citizens in a community to help them find food and shelter, this is an example of outreach.

•  Getting communications to Committees – every committee has a representative @ Session however, there are gaps evident

•  Possibility of opening the gym to the community – volleyball, floor hockey etc.

• Welcome wagon like response to the condos being built next door – welcoming event for neighbours, BBQ fellowship, and family nights for Hespeler Village Core

•  Important to reach out to inside the congregation - focus needs to be on both internal and external in an ongoing basis.

•  Get Mission and Outreach Committee onside for all of the above

Communication - Human communication has the goal to invite another human being to feel something new or better, understand something or someone new or better, take a new or better position, develop new and better relationships, and make new or better decisions for the future.

•   Need to always welcome those that worship with us. – “language is important”

•  Need to understand that the way families feel about being part of the community (how they are vitalized by their role(s) in the church)

•  Important- to have face-to-face conversations on significant issues with the congregation. Maybe, use a paper scripted dialogue that can be delivered and arrange to meet a week later to discuss. Alternative – member could anonymously drop filled script back to Office?

• Important- to communicate this workshop and share our discoveries

·   In lieu of a face-to-face how can we dialogue with those that do not want to be

   reached?

·   How can we develop a continually effective communication strategy?

Christen Education - Christian Education Ministry involves the administration and coordination of programs or strategies to facilitate the spiritual growth or discipleship of believers into Christ-likeness.

·   Deacons need to be informed, trained, and ready to act where required. They need resources and how to find them.

·   Elder/Deacon orientation and printed hand-book needed to ensure understanding of role.

·   Re-introduction of care group for Ministers spiritual and pastoral care. Perhaps, informal meetings to support Minister. Careful not to introduce more work for Rev. Scott.

·   Critical to have current District Lists for both Deacons & Elders. Ensure the stricture is in place for March 31 deadline for Elder/Deacon teams to talk to all on their list.

Care – both pastoral care and spiritual care. "Pastoral care" is both encouraging their local congregation and bringing new people into the church. That is not to say that the congregation is not to be involved in both activities, but the pastor should be the initiator. “Spiritual Care” recognizes and responds to the needs of the human spirit when faced with trauma, ill health or sadness and can include the need for meaning, for self-worth, to express oneself, for faith support, perhaps for rites or prayer or sacrament, or simply for a sensitive listener.

Worship Space - Most of our sanctuaries were built more than a few generations ago. Since architects at the turn of the century could not possibly anticipate how we would view worships today, the worship space they designed often conflicts with our worship today.

·         worship space priorities of old buildings- designed for different needs         

·         adaptations have been enabled unconsciously e.g. back of church became a gathering space. The foyer was, probably designed for this use but is not the preference.

·         gathering space used prior to worship is an important place – fellowship & care e.g.

·         Congregational space – traditional spaces contain unmoveable fixtures. Current worship probably needs to be intentionally re-thought.  maybe needs rejuvenation

·         Movement space is where worship happens…..talk & singing traditional

·         Choir space – dual role are they leaders or part of the congregation?

·         Pulpit space – is important in symbolic representation…needs to be closer to people

·         Baptismal space – important symbolically

·         Table – placement and use

·         Parking considerations – re: Spring St lot.

·            Introduction of the Story -  33-week program containing a chronological story  

of the bible. Have both pros and cons, beside the considerable need to have regular attendance for 33 weeks. Continuity problems may ensure. Loose some context because New Testament sections will contain consolidation of some books of bible.

·            Need to design a program designed to best meet congregation in Hespeler.

·         Reminder the upper parking lot is intended for the use of disabled parking, mobility challenged individuals and for new members.

·         The Fellowship Committee is devoid of any members currently.  How can we re-energize this committee?  Some points on this included: strategizing on the nature of events (relevancy) Nancy & Randy have volunteered to try some functions that are family related.

·         Need intentional rebuilding w/congregational input. Focus to be on forward-looking answers not on what was done before.

Hespeler, 22 January, 2017 © Scott McAndless

Genesis 4:1-15, 23-24, Matthew 18:21,22, Psalm 36

O

ne of the complaints that you hear leveled against the church from time to time is that we never seem to talk about sin anymore. We love talking about grace and love and reconciliation – and that is fantastic – but where is that focus on faults and shortcomings that was so characteristic of the church in former days?

      And I will certainly agree that there is something to this complaint. I understand where the reluctance to talk about sin comes from – especially when it is a concept that has been so often misunderstood and even misused to gain control over people – but I also appreciate that if we do not have an understanding of sin and what it can do to us, our Christian faith will never reach its full potential.

      So I am going to dare to look closely at sin, its meaning and its power over the coming weeks. I do not necessarily feel like I have to approach the topic in the ways that Christians have always approached it. The Christian understanding of sin was largely defined way back in the fifth century by a thinker named Augustine of Hippo. It was Augustine, for example, who first came up with the idea of original sin and especially set up the close association between sin and sex that is still often made in the church to this very day.

      But I am a little less interested in what Augustine says about sin than I am in what the Bible has to say on the topic. And the Bible does say some surprising things. For example, if I were to ask you where in the Bible the idea of sin is first introduced, what would you say? Most would say, I suspect, that sin first enters the story of the Bible in the second and third chapter: in the story of the Garden of Eden. That is certainly what St. Augustine thought. But what if I told you that the Bible never uses the word sinto describe the events in that garden? I mean, yes, it does say that Adam and Eve disobeyed a commandment in that story and we may understand that as a sin, but Genesis doesn’t call it that.

      The first time the Bible brings up sin as an idea is in the fourth chapter of Genesis, in the passage we read this morning. It comes up in a conversation between God and Cain. Cain is upset with his little brother Abel. It is all wrapped up in a question of what makes an acceptable sacrifice that we don’t have time to get into here, but the basic problem seems to be that Cain thinks that God likes Abel more and he’s jealous. It really is a story about the worst case of sibling rivalry that you have ever heard of. God, clearly worried that Cain may be about to do something stupid, gives him a warning: “Why are you angry, and why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it.”

      And this little conversation, as I say, is the very first time that the topic of sin comes up in the Bible. And the concept that is introduced in this passage may not quite correspond to what you have always been taught on the subject. To start with, just think about how the idea of sin is portrayed in this little poem. Sin, we are told, is “lurking at the door” of Cain’s tent.

      But that is not how we generally talk about sin, is it? We usually talk about sin as an internal struggle – it is something that I feel inside of me that draws me towards something that I shouldn’t do. Here in Genesis – in the first reference to the very idea of sin – everything seems to be the other way around. Sin, far from being inside Cain is outside of him. It is lurking outside his tent flap like some kind of wild beast that is looking to attack and devour him.

      But that is not even the most surprising thing about this passage. It actually says something so unexpected about sin that modern translators of the Bible have actually had trouble accepting what it says. The original text of the Bible doesn’t actually say what we read this morning: “sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it.” I looked it up in the original Hebrew text of the Bible and the correct translation should actually not be “you must master it,” but “you shall master it.”God is not warning Cain that he should tryto triumph over sin; he is promising him that he will.

      I think I understand why the translators of the New Revised Standard Version mistranslated that verse the way they did. They were kind of stuck thinking about sin the way that they had always been taught to think about it – the way that Christian theology had taught them to think about it. In particular, they were thinking of sin as this force within you that is ultimately irresistible – that you can try to resist but you are doomed to fail.

      It is true that you can find passages in the Bible that speak of sin in such terms. But this passage, near the beginning of the Book of Genesis is actually not one of them. This teaches me that the Bible does not speak about the problem of sin in just one way. The Bible uses different images to talk about sin. Here, in Genesis, sin is like a wild animal that is trying attack us and to have mastery over us but, God reminds us, sin’s triumph is not inevitable.

      Sometimes that way that we talk about sin actually lays the groundwork for its ultimate triumph over us. When we think of it as this irresistible force within us that is always going to have its way, that is exactly what happens. But here, in this passage, God seems to be suggesting that we don’t have to think of it that way and maybe if we didn’t, sin would not have so much power over us.

      But this story of Cain is even more important in that it outlines pretty clearly what the power and consequences of sin really are. God tells Cain that sin is out to get him but that Cain is actually able to triumph over it. But Cain does not triumph. He allows the beast lurking at his door to master him. The immediate consequence of this is a murder. Resentment leads to hatred and, because Cain does not manage to be the master of his hatred, hatred leads to murder.

      The message seems to be that sin, as the Bible introduces it, is primarily about hatred and violence. But the worse part of it is that it is something that only begets more violence. It works like this: Cain is mad at Abel and kills him. That is the first act of violence – the very first in all history according to the biblical view. But this one act of violence leads to another. First, God tells Cain that, because he has polluted the ground by pouring his brother’s blood into it, the ground will now be in revolt against him. Though Cain is a farmer, he will now find the very earth rebelling against him and refusing to produce its crops. The ground is responding to Cain’s violence by threatening the very life of Cain and his family.

      Cain complains – says that this is too much punishment – that he will be forced to wander the earth as a vagabond if the ground will not produce for him. But I don’t think that God is saying that this is a punishment. I believe that God is saying it is a consequence.

      And, what’s more, there are further consequences to come. Because Cain is now a social outsider, everyone will feel free to kill him. But to this God says no. Cain is marked now, God says, and because of that, if anyone harms Cain, there will be seven more killed in vengeance. But this also is not divine punishment. God is not saying that God will kill seven if Cain is killed, only that seven will be killed.

      What is being described in this passage is a vendetta. It is a Hatfield and McCoy type situation. Cain will found a clan and that clan will be the one to take vengeance if anything happens to him. They will kill seven to avenge the death of any of their clan in order to make people think twice about hurting one of theirs. God is not saying that this is good; he is just saying that that is how it is going to be from now on. Cain has only started the ball rolling by killing one. God is warning that the killing won’t stop there.

      And indeed it won’t because, as we read on in this same chapter (after skipping a few long and hard to pronounce names), we land on a character five generations descended from Cain. His name is Lamech and he is the great great great grandson of Cain. So what is now happening five generations later? Well, Lamech, a character about whom we are told almost nothing, is boasting to his wives and this is what he says: “I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for striking me. If Cain is avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy-sevenfold.”

      Do you understand what Lamech is saying here? In five generations, the killing has only grown more out of control. Cain killed one. Vengeance for Cain and his generation would have been seven times. But, by Lamech’s time, not even that is enough. Vengeance has grown until now it is seventy-seven deaths for one (or you could even translate it as seventy times seven). What we have here in this passage is a picture of sin as violence spinning ever further out of control. One death is only the beginning. Surely it will continue to spiral on until all are dead.

      There is a powerful picture of sin in this passage and it is a picture of vengeance leading to violence spiraling ever further and further out of control – spinning so quickly that it is frightening. That is the kind of power of sin that we are talking about. Worse, it is a power this is still all too present in this world. This is the monster that was lurking at Cain’s door and that still lurks at our own to this very day. What is being described in this passage is frightening but we all know deep down that it is a very real force in our world – a force very much holding sway in places like Syria, Israel/Palestine, major cities like Chicago and Detroit.

      The only ray of hope I see in this passage is the promise that God gives to Cain. “sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you,” God says, “but you shall master it.” Sin may be a frightful beast, but its defeat is guaranteed. But how can that be? Surely we cannot win that battle alone. Only with God’s help can we defeat the power of sin. And we believe that such help has been sent to us, particularly in the person of Jesus who broke down that never-ending cycle of hate and violence by becoming the ultimate victim of both and hate and violence through his death on the cross.

      Yes this is the same Jesus who said, when asked by Peter how many times he had to forgive someone, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.” And that one can also be translated as “seventy times seven.” Do you think that it is a coincidence that Jesus’ answer to Peter echoes Lamech’s statement of vengeance? I don’t think so! I believe that Jesus was speaking directly to the story of Cain and of Lamech. What Jesus was saying was that there is only one answer to the problem of sin in this world which is a problem of hatred and violence spiraling out of control. And Jesus is that answer. Forgiveness isthat answer. Cain and Lamech can kill seven times. Bashar al-Assad and Vladimir Putin and the commanders of Isis can kill seventy-seven times in vengeance. Alt-Right agitators and Klu Klux Klansmen can kill seventy times seven for every perceived slight. That is the way of this world – that the way of sin.

      But do you know what you can do? Jesus is saying that you can forgive. And you can forgive again and again even up to 490 times. (That’s seventy times seven; I did the math.) And you know what that makes you? It makes you a follower of Jesus. It makes you part of the solution, part of the kingdom of God and part of what Jesus came to accomplish. Forgiveness isn’t just something that we do when we feel sorry for someone; it is the antidote to sin. And you can be part of changing the conversation in this world from violence to hope. It is that simple; that is what Jesus was saying.

      I think that this story in Genesis is a really helpful story about sin. It is one that teaches us new ways of thinking about sin and destroying its power. There is a lot more I would like to say on the topic and hope to look in more detail in weeks to come. But hope in the face of violence spinning out of control is a great place to start.

     

 St. Andrews authorizes an independent contractor to do bookkeeping and financial services replacing the Administrative Assistant (vacant).This would be set up on a pilot or trial basis and would involve the contract period of April 11 through to July 15, 2016. That Human Resources Committee commences a recruitment process to fill the part- time position of Administrative Assistant with 9 scheduled hours of work weekly.

·         The schedule of Session approved fundraising be enhanced and promoted to achieve our goal.
       Upcoming event:  the Race to Eliminate Poverty a challenge to pit teams against each other in association with Hope Clothing and the Food Bank.

On Wednesday, December 14th we will be having a “Youth Ministries Potluck Dinner” for families with children Grade 7+.  This dinner will be organized in a way similar to a LOGOS dinner; with a time of team/group building, food & fun.  After eating we will brainstorm ideas and needs so that we can begin the process of rebuilding a Youth Ministry.

Session is recommending the congregation read “Reformed Worship.”   “Beyond the Worship Wars; Building Vital and Faithful Worship” by Thomas G. Long. In the past, Session has had book studies and hope to open the door for the entire congregation to participate. Session is exploring how we can get books.

December

GOOD NEWS 2016

The Jeff-a-thon raised $30,000 for PWS&D and when matched 3 to 1 by the federal government this means a whopping $120,000 donated.  Awesome.  In the spirit of giving, St Andrews Hespeler won the competition for most dollars raised and a free luncheon in December.

The Stewardship Committee announced some very good news on the sustainable financing results. The meat pie sale and Christmas Dream Wish Auction have raised more than $8,000 in two events. More news is to follow on a significant change to this goal hopefully in the New Year. Certainly in time for the AGM.  

Frequently, the congregation who are sharing comments are trying to make the music program better by making suggestions and criticisms. The problem has been that the ideas and dislikes have been highly contradictory. Music Directors have always done their best to include everyone's voice in our service musically and what has happened is that a practice of blended worship has naturally developed.

Definition

Blended worship means a lot of different things to different people and has a fairly broad scope. This definition will be limited to only music at worship. From a musical perspective, blended worship means including a variety of styles of music from different generations in most services. Generally, this looks like having at least one traditional piece and one contemporary piece in each service, using a variety of instruments (piano, organ, guitar, etc.), and using both old and new hymns. Because the service is stylistically disjointed, it becomes more important for it to be thematically unified.

The hope is that an understanding of the methodology and reasons will become a thing the congregation is excited by. Session would like everyone to be able to see how they fit in to the music program and how their preferences are being met. We also think this will bridge the gap between various generations and groups.

Hespeler, 15 January, 2017 © Scott McAndless

Mark 4:1-9, James 1:19-27, Psalm 116:1-8

J

esus, like many good speakers, had certain catch-phrases that he would use over and over again in his preaching and storytelling. One of his favourite lines, for example, was “the first shall be last and the last first.” It comes up so often in the discourses of Jesus in the gospels and in varying contexts (usually as the punchline of a parable) that it seems reasonable to conclude that it was one of those phrases that Jesus threw around all the time.

      But there was another phrase that Jesus must have used even more – one that just seems to have slipped out all the time – not necessarily as a part of the parable or story he was telling but almost like punctuation or emphasis. That saying was, “Let anyone with ears to hear listen!”

      It is an odd phrase when you think about it. I mean, very few people don’t have ears. Barring some birth defects, tragic accidents or the madness of Dutch post-Impressionist painters, ears are pretty much universal. Everyone listening to Jesus had ears which would make the saying seem like nonsense. But obviously Jesus didn’t keep saying this as a nonsense phrase. It is, in some ways, an expression of Jesus’ own frustrations. Here he was communicating vital truths that, as far as he was concerned, were quite clear. He was illustrating those truths with stories and parables that were really quite easy to understand and yet people weren’t getting his point.

      Jesus was pointing out that it is one thing to have ears and to be able to hear what somebody is saying but it can be quite another thing to listen. Hearing is a passive thing. Hearing is actually something that can be very hard to keep from doing. If you are in the vicinity of a noise or of someone speaking, you can’t help but hear it unless you do something to prevent it like plugging your ears or shutting off your hearing aids.

      Listening, on the other hand, is active. You don’t listen to something unless you choose to do so. Listening means attending to what is being said and acting in response. Jesus’ frustration was that people were hearing what he was saying but that something that was preventing them from actively listening. Often it was be­cause they did not want to actually hear the truths that he was teaching and they certain­ly didn’t want to change their lives because of what they heard. It was just easier for them to hear what he was saying without actually listen­ing because, if they listened they’d probably have to change in ways they didn’t want to.

      And if Jesus were here today, would he continue to repeat that same saying? Would he be as frustrated with us over our tendency to hear without listening? I am afraid he probably would because things really haven’t changed all that much.

      I wanted to start out this New Year by preaching about the resolutions that I’d like to make and that I’d like to see more people make that might create a real difference in the world. I’ve talked so far about resolving to leave some time and space to grieve losses and I’ve talked about being committed to the truth. I think that the third resolution that we could make that would make a real difference in our world is to learn to listen. I would even go so far as to say that the failure to listen is creating a number of crises in our world.

      Take, for example, two of the most surprising political developments of the past year: the Brexit vote in the United Kingdom and the election of Donald Trump. Neither of those political developments were supposed to happen. They defied polling but also were contrary to what the “elites” and political “experts” and establishment said should happen. They are also events that will likely have some far-reaching effects on where the world goes from here for good or ill (and I don’t really have an agenda at the moment to say whether it will be good or ill).

      But I think that we can say a little bit about why things unravelled the way that they did. Many people did not cast their vote because they were making a positive selection of a candidate or an agenda. Many, perhaps the majority, were voting to reject instead and what they were rejecting were the opinions of the elites, the experts and the establishment political leaders. The widespread perspective was that the elites and establishment didn’t care about the needs of the great majority of people and had not listened to them and their needs for a long time. Some really big things – world-changing things happened this past year because a lot of people felt like they were not being listened to. When I say that the failure of listening is important, that is the kind of thing that I am referring to.

      But it is not just something that we see happening in big political events and movements. It is a something that affects people’s personal lives and struggles. How many people go through their daily lives without ever getting the sense that anyone is truly listening to them? How many have to pay money to go to a psychologist or counsellor just to have someone actually sit there and listen to them talk.

      And what a difference that can make! I am not trying to put down the professions (like counselling and psychiatric analysis) that have a big element of listening to them. Such a level of listening does not come without a great deal of learning and practice and it truly can bring a great deal of healing into a person’s life. And there are definitely many people who will not be able to find the healing that they need without making use of such professional counsellors. No one should ever be ashamed if they need to access them. But I cannot help but think that such professions would be much less desperately needed if only more people put in the effort to really listen to people at all the various times in their lives where they really need someone to just listen to them.

      And one place where listening is surely lacking is in the church and it is precisely on that point that Jesus was expressing his frustration with the people in his favourite saying. People of faith have the opportunity to hear the word of God, but how often do we listen? We believe that God speaks through the life and example of Jesus Christ. We believe that God speaks through the scriptures that bear witness to Christ. We believe that God speaks through the sermon. And this speaking is not something that is frozen in time. We don’t say, for example, that God spoke (past tense) when the Bible was first written. The word of God is nothing if it is not living and active in the present moment. So God speaks; that is not and has never been the problem. The problem is that we don’t listen.

      So we really do need to work on our listening. How could we do it? How could we become a people who take the task of listening seriously? Well the first thing we need to recognize is that simple truth that was behind that saying of Jesus – that there is a difference between hearing and listening and that just because you have heard what somebody is saying, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have listened to them. Hearing is passive but listening is active.

      So how can we learn to be listeners? Well, I’ll start with one piece of advice that should be obvious, shouldn’t need to be said, but I’m afraid that it does need to be said. Listening means, first of all, giving undivided attention which means that when someone is speaking you turn off the phone, close the book, turn off the television or do whatever you need to do to shut out any distractions. If we are not willing to do that, we will not progress very far in our quest to learn to listen.

      The next piece of advice I am going to steal from the Letter of James. “You must understand this, my beloved: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak.” Our own speaking is one thing that most often gets in the way of our effective listening. How often, when you are hearing someone speak, is your brain engaged, not with what they are saying, but with your own speaking. You are thinking of what you are going to say in response to them – perhaps to defend yourself or to further your own agenda at the expense of their needs. This is a symptom of what James would call being “quick to speak.” It is not actually measured by how many words you say or how soon you say them but rather by how much brain power you devote to your own agenda.

      Listening, real listening, is about being willing to put aside your own agenda in service to the needs of another person and, let me tell you, it is something that you have to work at. It does not come naturally and most of us will only be able to accomplish it by being incredibly disciplined in our minds.

      One thing that can help us to do this is the use of a practice of active listening. The next time when you have a chance to actually sit down and listen to someone, try this: say nothing. If you have to say anything, let it be to ask questions and make sure that they are questions that are focussed on what the other person has said and that help you to understanding their concerns.

      You can ask questions like, “It sounds to me like you are saying this event made you feel frightened or excited or whatever it sounded like they were feeling. Is that correct?” You can ask questions like, “What were you trying to do?” “Why are you interested in that topic?” and questions that focus on their personal background in whatever topic is being discussed. These kinds of questions will, more than anything else, convince someone that your really are focussed on what they have to say. And, what’s more, actually help you to be focussed on that very thing.

      One mistake that people often make, and in my experience it is often (but not always) men who do this, is to think that listening means that you are trying to fix whatever you perceive to be wrong about the other person. If someone is describing a situation that they are dealing with, for example, you may jump to the conclusion that they are telling you about a problem and you break in and tell them what they should do to solve it. “Well, you see, all you need to do is report your co-worker to management and let them deal with her.” Or, if you perceive that there is some kind of flaw in the person you are talking to, you break in with a prescription for how they ought to change. “You just need to be more assertive,” or something like that.

      But trying to fix people or their problems (unless that it what they are asking you to do) is not really listening to them because what you are actually doing is attending to your own agenda. You are trying to solve their problems and get them out of the way so that the focus can return to you and your needs. Most often what people need is for someone to listen to them, perhaps be sympathetic or understanding. Maybe then – maybe after they have been fully heard – you can work on solutions or changes together, but nothing important will ever happen until they have been heard.

      Listening is not easy. It doesn’t come naturally to most of us. But, precisely because it is so rare, it is an extraordinary and sometime life-changing thing. So I resolve to work on listening this year. I hope you might too because how much could the world change if people only really listened.